Binner de Fles: Kom op Meisje

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There’s a translation as to what the title says. But as I often say “I’m not Google…” I also think this might also be the hardest goodbye. Gulp.

This post has been in my draft folder for months… oh Mum, I miss you….

The last year has been a bit of a blur. Work has kept me busy, maybe too busy on occasion, especially since the end of October, yet despite that, the thoughts are there.

Thoughts & feelings that left me numb. Missing life, missing what truly makes my heart happy. Grieving for Mum. Missing friends… travel. It all. And I want it all back now. Right now.

And so, August. I’m sat here, it’s 1:30am and sleep is escaping me once more. These things happen.. and the worst thing to do if you’re restless is to stay in bed. So I’m sat in the dark on my sofa. I really wish I had a dram in my hand, but I want to go grab a sunrise at 05:53 so a clear head is needed, what else is needed is one of the gorgeous Ibiza sunrises I saw 3 years ago… they were special. And I miss them.

Thankfully I have a day off tomorrow, so I don’t have to concern myself with being asleep for that. I guess I have been preoccupied with the heartbreaking task of clearing the remnants of Mum’s life from what was the family home.

Sadly a lot of things were taken without consent (how some people can live with themselves is beyond me – but Karma will look after that for me.) So Saturday was an early start. Two rooms have been dealt with so far, and another few weekends will see it complete I’m sure.

I know I won’t miss the house itself. Too many ghosts and exhausting memories that rattle round the rooms.

What I will miss is Mum. I guess I was always her little helper. And this is the last time I will clean her house for her. That really broke my flipping heart on Saturday… thankfully I was able to stop at the side of a road on my way home.

Missing the physical contact (hugs) and comfort of loved ones is unimaginably hard… this reminded me again how I crave that contact.

Well it’s Monday evening. It was a lousy start to the day weather wise, so no sunrise today, and after finally getting to sleep till after 3am, sleep was the friend that needed my attention today.

Saturday’s conversations were mixed, some childhood memories, some chat about the here and now… hopes & dreams and my passions (some of them.)

I found photos of Mum I’ve never seen, photos of family I’ve never met. Daft photos that will never see the light of day, and photos that remind me to keep going and never ever give up.

It’s Tuesday now, and despite the mist I decided to “grab me a sunrise”… it was more than worth it as I was rewarded with a view that blurred things out. The normal view a memory. A clean slate. That thought…

It’s Wednesday once again. A couple of weeks have passed It’s early. It’s 6:17 am or thereabouts. Another day of house clearing has passed (last Saturday)…heavy lifting (while those that could lift more easily did sweet FA.)

Memories falling from the pages of photo albums. A shell is starting to emerge from the remnants of 90 years of life. Compassion in every task, yet, a duty to get the job completed. Tick tock. This is the last part of the long goodbye. It started in 2015, early in the year. I tried Mum. I begged and pled, and well… I tried.

I’ve gotta say, that those that truly know me… I’m sure they’ll agree, I’m not one to give up the fight. I’m still waiting !!

I may go quiet. I might walk away, sometimes that’s for my benefit. Not yours. Self protection. Yep, it’s a thing.

Anyway that was Wednesday night’s thought. I eventually fell into a sweet dream that I was ripped from at 6:15am Thursday. Bloody hell, let a woman sleep.

So, it’s Saturday evening once again. I was sat writing this in my thoughts, so grabbed my phone to continue. I know which whisky I’m pouring to finish this off. That’s one thing solved. Just one more Saturday and I can say goodbye to the house one last time. The terrors (touched on in a previous blog) can be boxed up and dumped from my mind as I drive away. No looking back. The other’s can decorate the house and tend the garden…me doing it again would break me. I left the house immaculate time and time again. A place for everything, and everything in its place. Time to look after me, and my heart. Let the thoughts that soothe and thrill me be my guide… start again. Maybe.

Hit the pause button. Let life begin playing again… the songs, the scents, the tastes. ALL OF IT. The moments & memories I protect so fiercely will touch my soul. Draw me out… one thing I need to do is breathe again. Hopefully, and believe me I’ve asked people to keep EVERYTHING crossed, next week might just help with that. I’ve been so touched by thanks and gratitude recently. Words of praise have made me realise my worth once more. Smoggy camaraderie…never mind the bollocks, ha ha. A boost I needed and didn’t think I’d get.

Sunday. Dram still Inside the Bottle. One job that needs doing will be done this day. My garage is nearly back to as it should be…Might as well use the space efficiently eh?

Another weekend has passed, we should have been there doing what’s needed. My mind firmly elsewhere. The distraction would’ve soothed me. Alas… alas. So next Saturday will be the final push.

I went for a walk at the beach. Met a mate. I wish it had been a secluded beach, alone. Just me and the sand, the breeze encouraging the waves to froth and twist… nothing but sea between me and the horizon. The beautiful nothingness of it. No effort. No obstacles.

I’ve fought to escape the weight of the sadness that’s followed and pulled at me for so long…I don’t want it. I never have. Who would want it? Who would cause that sadness too? Add to it? …the way to escape is to walk away. Simple. Ah that everything in life was so simple…though, I do firmly believe life & it’s myriad decisions can be easy. It’s blocking out the bad stuff.

That’s the me that trying to be heard. To be seen. To be accepted.

It’s October 15th now… a cool morning disrupted by being awake from 2-4am. Sleep, please be my friend once more. All those years being on alert listening for Mum have ingrained themselves into my pattern. A pattern that needs breaking.

Another day helping carry out your wishes Mum, at least two of us realise that. A dreadful day. A day of disbelief… a day of silent sorrow.

The car pulled away…

Like a bottle of whisky you’ve opened, enjoyed, savoured and yes, loved. The contents depleting each time you pour a little more. You see the bottom of the bottle coming, then before your eyes, it’s gone. A one off. It’s irreplaceable…

30th November… I cried for you again today, my one time partner in crime. It’s coming up on a year since you slipped away, since Covid-19 stole you from us. I’ll remember the fun times with a smile, I’ll remember your strength. I’ll remember the good and all that you taught me.

I’ll make damn sure 2022 fills me with happiness and laughter, and most importantly more smiles.

So, come on girl. You got this… (note to self.)

The first ever selfie with Mum x

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